Friday, 22 April 2011

Don't call me *******

The real me is not your personal sex robot thanks boys! Nor am I prepared to accept your constant objectification and sexualisation! If you want that go watch a magical robot girlfriend anime and cry into your crusty sock.

I organized a night out recently to celebrate the end of a certain chapter in my life. I often find ridiculous reasons for my friends and I to get together and go out because otherwise I find it is easy for us all to drift apart as we get older, get partners, full time jobs, move away etc. It was supposed to be a light hearted affair at a local club, but it turned into a real test of my personal strength and made me question my decision in telling certain people about the job I am now doing.

In previous posts I have been very clear about my feelings towards my stage persona. The girl I have constructed for my shows is not the person I am in real life and so it is important to me that the people who know me remember this. I don't want my stage persona to be referenced as the real me because she is completely separate. She is a fantasy and a role that I play to enable me to do my job and keep my personal sexuality between me and my chosen partners.

I told three of my male friends about my decision to cam model before telling my female friends. I did this because they were more removed from the situation, less emotional and actually had more of an understanding of the online porn industry. I knew I could trust these men and so decided to ask for their advice about the agencies, and to help me do the sort of online digging I could never do. (I am friends with nerds and I love them!) Their support was invaluable in helping me find my agency and discussing technology and testing out certain ideas. The troopers even sat up late into the night watching other girls in free chat while we discussed their show styles over MSN!

As I say, they were wonderful to me, but on this night out I felt a little bit strange because two of the men I have told were there and when they were together they treated me differently than I would have expected. They were treating my like I was an object, suddenly feeling like they had the right to sexualize everything I said and being a lot more touchy than they were previously. They even went so far as to call me by my stage name.

Now in general I am a polite, relatively meek person. I don't make a fuss about things and I tend to let things go, but I have never been objectified like this before, nor have I felt so disrespected by my friends. Both these men knew I wanted to keep my stage persona totally separate and not really discuss it too much outside of our online talks, so the fact they were calling me a dirty girl and referencing my act did really bother me, so much so I had to decide whether to just ignore it or say something. In the end I chose the latter.

I took them aside and said "Excuse me, but I am not ******* and I do not appreciate you calling me by this name. I am London, your friend, not some dirty slut. I don't care if I'm a stripper, a prostitute or a cam model, you don't have the right to disrespect me like that unless you want to pay for the privilege! If you mess up like this again don't expect to see me around anymore."

They seemed a bit sheepish after that, but neither of them were as repentant as I would like. No matter what your profession, your gender, sexuality, whatever, no one has the right to objectify you or make you feel uncomfortable. I am a human being and on top of that I am well spoken, intelligent and independent, but even if I wasn't that should not be a factor on how well you treat me. I may make money from adult entertainment, but that does not mean that when I switch off the camera you have the right to treat me with any less respect than you would give a Sunday school teacher. I suppose my surprise was that my friends could make that mistake, but then again maybe they aren't really my friends after all.

With one of they guys it is even more difficult as we have been close friends for many years, but he has held romantic feelings for me for some time. I don't return these feelings and so sometimes he passive aggressively tries to hurt me when he is feeling hurt himself. He watches me regularly and has paid for several long shows with me. He says he likes the power of seeing me in a way he never thought he would see me and that there is nothing the men I might date can do about it, but in the same breath he says he is jealous at the idea of me enjoying myself with other customers. It's a strange situation and maybe I would have been better to have avoided telling him about my shows, but I wanted to go into all this with the best information and support I could get, and at the time I felt this was right.

I wish he would move on because I feel like he's only really damaging himself and maybe the cam shows will just continue to feed his infatuation. Now if I am offline for a few days taking a break from talking to people just so I can have some me time he seems to be offended. And I have also found he is more demanding, derogatory and dominant towards me now in real life which I find difficult. Maybe he does it because he has seen me be submissive in shows, but regardless of the reasoning it makes me uncomfortable and I have tried telling him so. I keep telling him that just because I do what a customer wants as my stage person doesn't mean I won't tell you where the hell to go when I'm off camera. He doesn't seem to want to separate the two now though. I told him he should feel privileged to know the real me because no one else on livecam gets that, but I guess sex is just too appealing. He's known the platonic, real me for so long now its probably just nice in his mind to have a sexual version of me.

It's all a bit tricky. I like to think I can keep the line clearly defined with my stage persona on one side and me on the other, but its just not possible when you let certain people in and they start to blur it for you. I don't want my friendships with these people to end, but I don't want them to think they own me. I don't want them to objectify me. I don't care what my customers do because I don't know them and they are only here for my act, but my friends do know my heart and my soul and so they should treat me better than this and know that I'm not some cheap hooker, but a smart, independent young woman who deserves their respect.

I suppose in my mind if you objectify your friends then they aren't really your friends anymore because you dehumanized them. It's very unattractive to me when people do that. What do you think? Have I messed it all up? Am I an idiot? Should I have told those guys where to go or was I over reacting?

Personal lives are hard!

Peace and Love

London

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1 comment:

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